“There’s nothing that makes you feel as powerless as living with a partner with PTSD.“
This reflection has stayed with me for days.
Powerless.
I understand the deeply contextual situations that can lead to feelings like this. But to me, the word simply doesn’t describe the group of people I have recently had the privilege of talking to.
The partners of first responders with post-traumatic stress disorder are anything but powerless. In all honesty, they have a strength I have rarely witnessed.
Their collective voice is one of resilience.
Their stories highlight a ripple effect, PTSD profoundly affecting the lives of entire families in a seemingly never-ending reverberation of pain and loss.
What I take away from these conversations is not a sense of darkness, rather one of brightness. These individuals are the lights that line the pathway, guiding the way for others.
But who lights the way for them?
My partner may be the one with the diagnosis, but we all live with PTSD
“How much longer can you go on like this?”
It’s a question that many partners have been asked. And the truth is, some of them aren’t sure.
Leaving is an option. Some do.
Others stay – navigating an ever-changing landscape. “Some days I just feel like I am failing in life. I’m letting everyone down. Me, my partner, my family,” one partner quietly tells me. “How did I get here?”
How much strain can these relationships withstand?
And it isn’t just the primary, intimate relationship that is impacted. Parents and in-laws may not understand. Children can become resentful. Friendships are tested.
“I started to avoid my own family and friends, because it just became too hard to constantly make excuses for why [husband] wasn’t there. They didn’t understand why he couldn’t just ‘get over it’, they don’t get it, this isn’t something that you just get over,” shared another spouse.
When partners become carers
Supporting loved ones with PTSD inherently exposes partners to a number of stressors.
These stressors can make even the basic aspects of maintaining a healthy, loving relationship difficult. Simple acts once taken for granted, like going out to dinner or to a place that is new, become anxiety-inducing challenges.
“It’s difficult. Family and friends can look at [husband] and think he looks great, what they don’t realise is that he is wearing a mask. Sure, above the table, he looks fine. But below the table, I am the only one who can feel his knees shaking,” reveals a long-time partner.
And then there is the avoidance, the unpredictability, the hyper-vigilance and aggression – all common for people with PTSD.
“I can’t come up behind him without first giving him warning,” says one partner.
Carmela Pollock runs an online community for carers called A Black Dog About the House. She says protecting a relationship must be a two way process – but one that gets tougher when one partner is fighting internal battles.
Steering a relationship through PTSD can sometimes feel like an insurmountable – and lonely – challenge. We are all largely creatures of habit, and we can struggle to adjust when our sense of normality gets turned upside down.
And with PTSD, that lack of normality can feel indefinite.
Living alongside PTSD during the pandemic
Navigating life alongside a partner with PTSD can be a challenge at the best of times.
Add an unprecedented crisis like the current COVID-19 pandemic into the mix, and the even the most adaptable and resilient among us will be tested.
Routine methods of self-care may become difficult – or even impossible – to engage in. Having children at home can be an added trigger.
Lea Farrow, author of popular blog “This Life This Moment” recently discussed living alongside PTSD during the pandemic. “First comes the overwhelm. Then comes the fear,” she said in regards to living through the pandemic with her husband who has PTSD.
“I’m struggling to reach out to others in this suffocating isolation. I’m anxious about every subtle drift in my husband’s behaviour.”
Farrow provides useful advice for all partners during these challenging times – take each day as it comes. “When my husband’s PTSD fights for control, as it inevitably will as this lockdown drags on, I’ll breathe through each minute as one alone.”
The importance of connection
Despite the need for social distancing at the moment, our sense of connection is more important than ever.
It can be invaluable to connect with other PTSD partners who just ‘get it’.
Support networks like The Code 9 Foundation become important lifelines for partners to share experiences and talk about how they are feeling.
“Code 9 has been so important, to be heard and not ‘talked at’. The amount of times I have had a well-meaning friend or family member say ‘oh, you need to look after yourself, you need a break’, and I have to fight back tears, wanting to just snap back – ‘ do you not think I WANT a break, that I NEED a break! It’s just not that simple when your husband and kids are depending on you,” shares one partner.
The Code 9 Foundation is a charity that provides peer support to first responders with mental health conditions resulting from their service to the community. Within the Foundation is a dedicated focus on supporting the partners and carers of responders.
In light of the current COVID-19 crisis, the Foundation is developing a unique and tailored support package to help support the families of responders.
This support could save relationships – and lives.
You can make a tax-deductible donation to The Code 9 Foundation here.
